


À Toute le Monde

by BoobsRadley



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, Mentions of Emily Fields/Samara, Mentions of Hanna Marin/Lucas Gottesman, TW: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 23:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10818618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoobsRadley/pseuds/BoobsRadley
Summary: Hey guys! This is a very old story; I just decided to post it here. It's also on FF.net under penname Shaynezo.





	À Toute le Monde

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a very old story; I just decided to post it here. It's also on FF.net under penname Shaynezo.

_Do you want me?"_

_"Y-Yes."_

_"How much?"_

_"Do I even have to tell you?"_

_Aria hovers above Spencer. Her black, curly hair falls down her shoulders in a thick wave. Her red, glossy lips are stretched into a grin, and there's a mischievous glint in her dark eyes. She's dressed in only a lacy red bra and a matching pair of panties - so Aria. "Tell me."_

_Candles flicker around them, creating shadows that bounce around the bedroom of their small, one-bedroom apartment. Spencer grins up at Aria, amused. "I think you know."_

_Aria presses the full weight of her body onto Spencer and dips her head down so her lips find her ear. "Promise me something first."_

_Spencer shivers. Chills race down her spine, and she struggles to speak. "A-Anything."_

_"Promise me you'll never leave me."_

_Spencer smiles softly. "I'll never leave you," she vows. "Aria?"_

_Aria stops the process of nibbling on Spencer's ear. "Hm?"_

_"Promise me, too."_

_"I'll never leave you, Spencer."_

Twenty-year-old Spencer bolts up in bed. She's drenched in sweat, partially because of the heat in her apartment (she stopped paying for the air conditioning, something she only got for Aria) and partially because of that _goddamn_ dream. It'd been six months since Aria's suicide, and Spencer has had the dream almost every night. The other nights she doesn't sleep. It was hard enough on the Montgomery's to lose Mike, Spencer couldn't imagine what they were going through now. Sun shines through the cracked blinds of the small, circular window, and Spencer knows it must be midday. Her hand twitches reflexively and before she knows it, she's grabbed the carton of Menthol Lights cigarettes she keeps on her nightstand, next to Aria's tattered copy of _Lolita._ She shakes out a cigarette and pulls out the butterfly printed lighter Aria got her when she turned eighteen. _Everything_ leads back to Aria. Her hand is trembling so badly it takes her several attempts to light her cigarette, and when she does, she sucks hard on the filter, tossing the pack back onto her nightstand.

The nicotine immediately calms her down, working its way into her bloodstream. Her eyes slide over to the empty spot next to her. She hasn't changed the sheets since Aria's death, and if she presses her nose to Aria's pillow, her scent is there - strawberries. Spencer can't bring herself to wash them.

"Y-You lied to me."

Every morning, it's the same routine: Spencer wakes up, smokes a cigarette and repeats the same line three times, because once isn't enough.

_"You lied to me."_

The words are harsh coming out of her mouth, because Spencer can't comprehend, she can't _believe_ that Aria lied to her. Her eyes glisten with tears and she takes another drag off the cigarette. Her chin wobbles and Spencer knows she's going to burst into tears any at any moment. "Y-You lied to me," she says again.

There's a sudden chill in the air, and Spencer, wonders, thinks, _hopes,_ that it's Aria - _I'm_ _sorry, baby. Did you read the letter?_

And Spencer knows this is ridiculous, because she's logical and ghosts don't exist. She's had a perfect 4.0 GPA since the fourth grade, (well, she did until she stopped trying in the weeks after Aria's death, because fuck it) and in the back of her mind, deep in her subconscious, she knows that sooner or later, she'll have to read the letter Aria left her. For now, it's hidden away, tucked inside the last page of _Lolita_ that Aria read. She'll read it. Maybe.

Spencer stubs out her cigarette in the heart-shaped ashtray Aria got her as a small "just because" gift. Se swings her legs over the bed and stands up, but Spencer can't remember the last time she stood up (yesterday morning, probably) because her legs are weak and she collapses. The carpet smells like ashes from her cigarettes when she's missed the ashtray, but fuck it, she doesn't need to clean. Who does she need to clean for? The love of her life is gone.

Spencer reaches a hand up and places her palm on the smooth surface of her nightstand, Instead of pulling herself up, her fingers grasp the spine of Aria's book and it falls, landing face-down. Aria's note comes tumbling out from its pages, and _of fucking course_ it would, because that's just Spencer's luck. She stares, blearily eyed at the folded up piece of notebook paper. _Should I read it?_

"I can't..." Spencer exhales, falls back on her butt and lets out a low whimper. "I just can't."

A few minutes pass until Spencer slowly opens her eyes, and when she does, she lets out a loud, shrill scream.

_Aria is crouched down right in front of her, and she can't think straight. She knows she isn't dreaming, because she's in pain from her fall. But Aria's sitting on her knees, smile bright and vibrant. Eyes dark and large. Her lips are twisted into a pouty frown, and Spencer watches, breathless and unblinking as Aria picks up the letter._

_"Read it," Aria urges, holding the letter out to her. "Read it for me."_

Spencer opens her mouth, but it feels like it's been stuffed with cotton. This isn't happening. It just _can't_ be happening. "A-Aria?"

_Aria nods, a sad smile on her lips. "Yes," she whispers. "Baby, you have to read it. Do it for me."_

Spencer shuts her eyes as a wave of nausea hits her. She's hallucinating. She has to be. When she opens her eyes, Aria is still standing there, the letter clutched tightly in her hands.

_"Come on, Spencer._ "

Spencer shakes her head, tears flowing down her cheeks.

_Age six._

_"Mommy, Mommy, we have new neighbors!" Six-year-old Spencer Hastings squealed, pointing out the large bay window of her living room. Across the street, a moving fan was parked in front of a two-story ranch house. It had a large wraparound porch that was already decorated with plants and a porch swing. A bunch of movers were carrying boxes into the house. A family of three were standing off to the side of their black SUV, a man with short brown hair and a woman with long, black hair. A little boy stood next to his father, his fingers curled around the man's large hand._

_Veronica Hastings looked up from her book. "Well, that's pleasant. Would you like to go say hello?"_

_"Yeah, yeah!" Spencer practically bubbled with excitement. "I want to go say hi, come on!" Spencer stomped her little foot impatiently._

_Veronica chuckled and grabbed her daughter's hand. "Come on, sweetie." She led the little girl outside and across the street._

_The second they were safely on the sidewalk, Spencer tore her hand away from her mother's grasp and bolted over to her new neighbors. "Hi!" she squealed brightly. "My name is Spencer. I live over there!" She pointed to her house across the street. "I go to Rosewood Elementary School, my phone number is 555-0321, and -"_

_"Spencer!" Mrs. Hastings scolded in a gentle tone. "You know you don't give people your phone number." She smiled up at the man and woman, offering her hand for them to shake._

_"I'm sorry about that. She's just eager to meet her neighbors. I'm Veronica Hastings, and I live across the street with my husband Peter and my daughters Melissa and Spencer. Welcome to Rosewood!"_

_Ella smiled warmly. "It's nice to meet you, Veronica. I'm Ella Montgomery, this is my husband Byron and my son Mike. Say 'hi', Mike."_

_But Mike only hid behind his father's leg and shook his head._

_Byron laughed. "He's just shy." He beamed down at Spencer. "You're a very bright little girl, Spencer."_

_"I know," Spencer replied with a grin._

_Veronica patted Spencer's arm. She didn't notice it a second later when Spencer slipped away, her attention captured by a movement in a tree off to the side of the Montgomery's house. "So is Mike your only child?"_

_"Oh, no, we have a daughter. She's in the backyard. Quite the little adventurer, that one."_

_Spencer's Hello Kitty sandals crunched over sticks and leaves as she wandered into the Montgomery's large backyard. The grass was tall, like someone hadn't cut it in years, and Spencer felt like one of the lioness she was fascinated with on Animal Planet._

_"Hi!"_

_Spencer jumped, whipping around immediately. She'd always been jumpy. There, hanging upside down on a low branch, was a dark-haired girl with the biggest eyes Spencer had ever seen. Her hair was held up into two pigtails, and Spencer thought the little pig barrettes were cute. "Hi." Spencer cocked her head to the side. "What are you doing?"_

_"Hanging like a monkey. My family just moved here from California. I'm Aria. What's your name?"_

_"Spencer."_

_Aria's small nose wrinkled. "Spencer? That's a boy's name!"_

_"It is not!" Spencer shot back. "Aria is a kooky name."_

_"I like being kooky."_

_Spencer poked Aria in the shoulder, giggling. "All the blood is going to rush to your head and you could get a headache. You're going to feel a ton of pressure build up in your brain if you do that for too long."_

_"...What?"_

_"Nothing, just stop doing that."_

_Aria lifted her tiny palms in a shrug and hopped down from the tree, landing in front of Spencer. She held her arms up above her head and wiggled her fingers. "And she sticks the landing!"_

_Spencer chuckled. "You're weird."_

_"I think being weird is lots more fun than being normal. You have to be yourself!"_

_Spencer nodded. "Do you want to come over to my house?"_

_"Yeah! I think we're going to be the best of friends!"_

When Spencer finally opens her eyes, Aria is gone. The note is in the same spot on the floor from when it fell out of Aria's book, with no evidence of it ever being touched. Spencer's head snaps up. No. _No._ She couldn't have lost Aria again. She was just right in front of her. Spencer picks up the book, stuffs the letter inside and tosses it back on the nightstand. She silently creeps out into the narrow hall and heads into her kitchen.

The sink is full of dirty dishes, the stove is cluttered with pots and pans that have food encrusted on the sides. There's an open carton of orange juice on the counter, and Spencer can't remember how long it's been there. She opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of vodka before dragging her feet over to the small dining table. She plops down i a hard chair and twists off the cap. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the left the fridge door open. But who cares? It's only full of alcohol bottles and chocolate boxes.

The vodka is sour as it slithers down her throat, burning up her insides. But it's a welcomed feeling, one Spencer has become so accustomed to. There's a sudden pounding on her door and Spencer's eyes flitter to it for a fleeting second. _Aria?_

"Spencer? Spence, honey, it's us. Open the door, okay?" Emily's cheery voice drifts under the door and Spencer wants, desires, to smash the vodka bottle and stab her, because how the _fuck_ can Emily be so goddamn cheery? It isn't fair. It isn't fair that Emily is happily engaged to Samara, when Aria is dead, gone, forever.

"Fuck off!" Spencer spats before bringing the bottle to her lips again. She can hear Emily and Hanna's hushed voices, but just barely.

"Use your key, Em."

"I don't have it, where's yours?"

"...Shit."

At this, Spencer laughs. It's cold and bitter, but it's a laugh. And Spencer hasn't laughed for months. She can't even remember the last time she smiled. Her friends' voices start to fade away, until all Spencer can hear is a loud buzzing in her head and she allows her head to rest against her oak-wood table.

_Age fourteen_

_"Why are we even doing this?" Aria whined. She and Spencer were strapped in harnesses, clinging to the rock wall at the Rosewood Community Center. Spencer's dangled above her, grinning down cockily at her friend._

_"Don't wimp out on me now, Ar. I thought you were brave."_

_Aria grunted and grabbed another rock, yanking herself up. She's slightly out of breath. "I am brave," she snapped. "I just don't see why we had to go rock climbing today."_

_"It's fun." Spencer scaled easily up the wall and perched at very top, peering down at Aria wickedly. "Come on, little mouse."_

_"Fuck you," Aria muttered, slowly making her way up to the top._

_Spencer smirked, brushing a lock of dark hair out of her eyes. "Name the time and the place." Spencer had been harboring a crush on Aria for the past year, but didn't quite know how to tell her. She and Aria constantly flirted, but it was all harmless, right?_

_Aria finally reached the top and sat down next to Spencer, panting heavily. Aria's face is flushed, her cheeks tinted a rosy pink. "Fuck me right here, right now, baby doll," Aria replied once she caught her breath._

_Spencer laughed. "I don't think the people down there would like it very much if two girls started screwing each other on top of the rock climbing wall."_

_Aria shrugged and bumped Spencer's shoulder with her. "I wouldn't mind it."_

_"...Really?"_

_Aria slid off the wall without answering and winked at Spencer. "Maybe." Then she made her way back down to the safety mat. Once she had gotten out of her harnesses, she gazed up at Spencer and cracked a grin. "Coming?"_

_"You know it, angel." In a matter of seconds, Spencer was next to her and had her arm looped through hers. However, Aria untangled their arms and instead laced her fingers through Spencer's._

_Spencer stared down at their entwined fingers. "Aria, people will stare at us. We're in public."_

_"I don't care." Aria led Spencer over to the double doors of the community center, but before she could exit the building, Spencer yanked her back and gazed at her._

_"Why did you come rock climbing with me? You hate heights."_

_Aria lifted her shoulder in a half shrug. "You're my best friend."_

_"That's not really a satisfying answer."_

_"And I would do anything for you."_

"Spencer? Oh, God. _Spencer?"_

Spencer wearily lifts her head up. Emily and Hanna are staring down at her. Hanna's gnawing on her bottom lip like it's a piece of gum and Emily's nervously spinning her engagement ring around on her finger. They both visibly sigh with relief when Spencer makes eye contact with them.

"How did you get in?" Spencer's voice is monotone, almost dead.

Emily glances weakly at Hanna. "Hanna, uh, picked the lock with her bobby pin..."

In last few years, Emily and Hanna had changed, just like herself and Aria. Emily had become more bold, Hanna had started caring more about her education. Aria had become more confident in her writing and was on her way to becoming a well-known author, until..well, until the day Aria took her own life. That was the day Spencer had changed for the worst. She'd slipped into herself and had become nothing, and Hanna and Emily were afraid for their friend. So they'd made it a point to visit Spencer every day. And with every new day, Spencer seemed to be getting worse.

"Um, Spence, did you steal that vodka?"

Spencer shrugs, picks up the empty vodka bottle and throws it against the fridge. It shatters into a thousand pieces, the sound vibrating her eardrums. "I've stolen all the alcohol I have, Em. How the fuck else would I have gotten it? I got rid of my fake I.D. a long time ago."

Hanna tenses visibly and sighs. "Spencer..." She gestures toward the mess in the kitchen. "We're going to, um, help you clean up, okay?"

Spencer snorts and shoves her chair back so forcefully that it topples over. "I don't need your fucking sympathy." She stalks into her bedroom and returns a moment later, cigarette pack in hand. Only she makes her way to the living room, falls on the couch and removes a cigarette from its pack. She's vaguely of aware of Hanna and Emily cleaning up around her, but she doesn't care. Spencer lights the cigarette and takes a long drag, blowing out the smoke in front of her. The hazy smoke makes her eyes water and she leans her head back.

_Age sixteen_

_"God, I wish you wouldn't have started smoking. It's so gross." Aria adjusted her red and white polka-dotted headband, gazing at Spencer through her full-length mirror in her room._

_Aria's clad in a white dress splashed with little red hearts and red flip-flops. She held her lipstick tube between her fingers, an inch away from her lips._

_Spencer locked eyes with Aria and blew out some smoke. "Well, it's my choice."_

_"You're sixteen." Aria put on a swab of lipstick, trying not to wonder if Spencer would taste like cigarettes if she kissed her._

_"I'm aware." Spencer stubbed out her cigarette on the base of Aria's bed and flicked it into her trash can. "You look cute," she observed. She doesn't miss the blush in Aria's cheeks. Spencer walked over to her and wrapped her arms around her waist from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder. Aria's hair smelled like oranges. "Wouldn't we look hot together?"_

_Aria tensed._ Yes, _she wants to say. But she's too nervous. She waved the lipstick tube in the air, grinning. "I'll let you use some of this if you stop smoking."_

_Spencer turned Aria around in her arms and gazed down into her eyes. Aria's eyes were one of her favorite features - dark and mysterious. "Aria.."_

_Aria's eyes locked onto Spencer's. Her breath smelled like coffee and cigarettes, a scent she found oddly intoxicating. "S-Spencer..."_

_They moved nearer, their lips so close to each other's. A sense of panic filled Aria and she hastily shoved her lipstick in Spencer's face, jokingly smearing it all over her cheeks and lips._

_Spencer gasped and stumbled back, quickly rubbing at her face, but only smearing the lipstick even more. "Aria!"_

_Aria stuck her tongue out at Spencer and flew from the room._

_"I'm going to kill you!" Spencer growled, chasing after her._

_"Catch me if you can!"_

Spencer's eyes flutter open and Hanna is sitting next to her. Emily is on her other side. "Can I help the two of you?" Spencer growls.

Hanna sighs heavily and rests her hand on Spencer's knee. "We're worried about you. We think you're getting worse."

"We think you're wasting away," Emily adds.

_"I think you need to read my letter."_

Spencer's eyes snap over to the far wall in the living room.

_Aria is leaned up against it, dressed in a pair of short grey pajama shorts and a tight-fitting black tank-top. Her black hair is a disaster, sticking up in every corner and there are bite marks covering her neck. "Miss me, baby doll?"_

Spencer's jaw drops and she furiously rubs at her eyes. "Aria.." she whispers.

Hanna raises her eyebrows. "What?"

_Aria laughs and pushes herself off the wall, sauntering over to the three of them. She bends down and looks into Spencer's eyes. "Look at me, I look like you've fucked me into next week. Not that I mind."_

Spencer swallows, the lit cigarette falling to the floor. Emily immediately grabs it and puts it out, glancing at her friend worriedly. "S-Spencer?"

_Aria grins and tucks a lock of hair behind her hair. "They can't hear me, baby doll. They can't see me. Only you can."_

Spencer's mouth goes dry. "Aria..."

_Aria chuckles. "God, you're so cute when you're shocked."_

Hanna gnaws on her lower lip. "Is..is she okay?"

Emily snaps her fingers in Spencer's face, but Spencer doesn't move.

_Aria rolls her eyes, her lips spread into an annoyed frown. "Get rid of them and read my letter, my sweet. Please."_

Spencer can't breathe. Why can't Emily and Hanna see Aria? Why can't they hear her? She's _right fucking there._ "God, I can't believe you're back."

Hanna reaches out and pinches Spencer's leg. The pain jolts Spencer back into reality and she blinks rapidly. Aria is gone. Furious, Spencer rounds on Hanna. "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

Hanna shrinks back, horrified. "You were...you looked so far away. I was just-"

"YOU MADE HER LEAVE," Spencer screeches. "YOU MADE ARIA LEAVE!"

Hanna flinches. "Spencer, Aria..she's..."

Spencer scowls and shoots to her feet. "D-don't say it." She crosses the short distance to her TV and smashes her fist against the wall. The pain is unbearable and Spencer falls to her knees. Hanna and Emily are instantly at her side, whispering soothing words to her. Aria's sudden suicide had been hard on all of them, but no one had been more affected than Spencer. And even though Emily, Hanna and Aria's parents had read the letter Aria left them, Spencer can't bring herself to do it. She just...can't.

Tears swim down Spencer's hollow cheeks and she clutches onto both Hanna and Emily, sobbing hysterically. "A-A-Aria..." She hides her face in Hanna's blond hair, not caring that she's soaking her friend's shirt. The faint smell of strawberries hits Spencer's nose and her eyes automatically close. _"Aria."_

_Age seventeen_

_Music pulses through their eardrums, an old Will Smith song from the '90s. Bodies mesh together, grinding and dry-humping. Pills are passed around, a few bongs travel through the throng of high school-age kids and everyone is already drunk._

_Mostly everyone._

_"Get away from me, Sean," Spencer growled. Sean drunkenly had his arm draped around Sean and kept trying to kiss his neck. He reeked of cologne and strong vodka. The two were gathered around in a tight circle, playing a game of Truth or Dare._

_"But you're so hot," Sean slurred, squeezing Spencer's shoulder. "What do you say we go upstairs? Have a real party?"_

_Sean was suddenly jerked away from Spencer and Aria was in his place, scowling. "Leave her alone," she spat. She ignored the stares of others and grinned at Spencer. "So, I just saw something that scarred me for life."_

_"What?"_

_Aria arched her eyebrows and leaned closer to Spencer so her lips were at her ear. "Noel and Jenna are making out as we speak." she whispered, her low voice sending tingles rippling down Spencer's spine._

_Spencer wrinkled her nose. "Ew." Her lips spread into a sly grin. "I told you," she added. "Pay up."_

_Aria grumbled but dug a ten dollar bill out of her purse and threw it at Spencer._

_"Spencer, Truth or Dare?"_

_Spencer's head snapped up and she gazed at Mona with a confused expression. "What?"_

_"Truth or Dare." Mona looked annoyed. "Pick one."_

_"Uh, dare."_

_"I dare you to to a tequila shot off of Aria's neck."_

_Aria's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "..Excuse me?"_

_Mona shrugged. "It's a dare. Unless Hastings is too much of a goody-goody and w-"_

_"I'll do it," Spencer interrupted. "Get the stuff."_

_Mona got up and returned a few minutes later with a salt shaker, a few shot glasses, a bottle of tequila and a wedge of lime. She handed everything to Spencer and sat down with a mysterious smile. "Well, go on."_

_Spencer swallowed and glanced at Aria for confirmation._

_Aria nodded. "Um, go on."_

_Spencer poured tequila into a shot glass and picked it up, along with the lime wedge and salt shaker. "T-tilt your head back." She hoped no one heard the tremor in her tone._

_Aria did as instructed and tilted her head back. She opened her mouth just enough to Spencer could place the lime wedge in her mouth. Spencer then sprinkled some salt onto the pulse point of Aria's neck._

_"Bottoms up?"_

_"Bottoms up."_

_Time seemed to slow down as Spencer slowly (and almost sensually) licked the salt off of Aria's smooth flesh. Aria shuddered beneath her, and Spencer almost groaned. Aria's skin smelled like chocolate._

_As soon as Spencer was done, she downed the tequila shot, took the wedge from Aria's mouth and kissed her full on the lips, all before she could lose her nerve. Aria's hair smelled like strawberries._

_Just as Spencer was about to pull away, Aria snaked her arms around her neck and kissed her back, not caring that they were surrounded by their peers. When they finally parted for air, Spencer rested her forehead against Aria's, smiling goofily._

_"F-finally, huh?"_

_"Finally."_

When Spencer finally wakes up, she is on the couch with a tray of food on the coffee table in front of her. Hanna and Emily are gone, but there is a piece of paper next to the tray. Spencer sits up groggily and rubs her eyes. What happened after she her her flashback? She sighed and picked up the letter.

_Spencer,_

_Hanna and I put you to bed and cleaned up your bathroom and bedroom. You needed your rest. Please remember that we love you very much and never to hesitate to call if you need anything, okay? We'll be back tonight._

_Love, Em._

Spencer crumples up the letter and tosses it away. Her head is pounding and her stomach is churning. She hasn't eaten for days, but Spencer refuses to eat.

She hides her face in her hands and breathes in deeply.

_"Oh, so you'll read a letter Emily and Hanna left you, but not mine? I'm hurt."_

There's a knot in Spencer's stomach now as she lowers her hands.

_Aria is upside down on the small dining table, her wavy black hair spilling down like a curtain. She frowns and makes a tsk-tsk sound with her tongue. "I don't understand why you won't read it."_

Spencer brings her fingers to her temples. "I don't want to read it. I don't want to know why."

_"You're going to spend the rest of your life not knowing why. Don't kept it in the dark, baby. Please read it. You're letting yourself waste away. You're becoming consumed by this. Read it and you'll have closure."_

Spencer's lips twist into an amused smile. "You sound like me."

_"I guess you've rubbed off on me. Will you read it? For me?"_

Spencer covers her face again and parts her fingers slightly and gazes at Aria. "I...I'm not strong enough."

_Aria flips off the table and stands up, her hands flying to her small waist. "Spencer Jill Hastings, you are the strongest person I know. Read the damn letter."_

This time, when Spencer lowers her hands, Aria is gone. The table isn't moved. There isn't the faint scent of strawberries in the air, and Spencer just doesn't _understand._ Why does Aria keep leaving her? Spencer glances towards the hallway. With a sigh, she gets up and trudges to her bedroom. Her bedroom is dark and when Spencer snaps on the light, she screams.

_"So are you going to read it?" Aria is stretched out across her stomach on the bed, dressed in dark blue lingerie. She has a teasing, almost naughty smile on her lips. "That's why you came in here, right?"_

Six months. Aria had been gone for six months and Spencer hadn't dared read her letter. Maybe...maybe it was time.

"I-I'll read it," she whispers.

_Aria grins. "That's my girl."_

Spencer sits down on the edge of the bed and picks up the letter with trembling hands. She unfolds it, smoothing out any wrinkles. "You can do this. You _can_ do this." She takes a deep breath, counts to ten and lowers her eyes to the piece of paper clutched tightly in her hands.

**_A Tout le Monde - To Everyone -_** is printed at the very top in Aria's neat handwriting. Spencer swallows.

**_I am so, so sorry for the pain I am going to put you all through. Please know that there is nothing any of you could have done to prevent this. It was going to happen, no matter what I did. I tried hard to fight my demons, but in the end, I was too weak. I wasn't strong enough and I had broken down. I can't even begin to explain how much I am going to miss all of you. I guess..the reason I did was because I couldn't stand to hurt anyone any more. I couldn't stand knowing that I had single-handedly broken up my family. I can't stop obsessing over the fact that it's my fault Mike is dead._ **

**_Mike was so young. He had only just begun to live his life. I was supposed to be there to protect him. I was supposed to be the one could look up to, and I failed him in every aspect. I thought I would be able to make it home safely after Mike and I had had dinner that night. I didn't even have that much to drink. And I should have listened when Mike said to give him the keys, to let him drive. But I was too damn stubborn and he eventually gave in._ **

**_I only remember it raining. It was raining so hard that I didn't see that truck coming. Maybe if I had, Mike would still be alive. I can't deal with the guilt anymore. Mom, Dad, I am so sorry. I'm so very sorry to put you through more pain, but you can make it through this. You're both very strong. I'm just sorry I'm not as strong as you. Please continue to live your lives in the fullest way possible._ **

**_Hanna and Emily,_ **

**_You two have been the best friends a girl could ever ask for._ **

**_Hanna, I love your wit and sense of humor. You never fail to make me laugh, and you're go-to-gal for fashion advice. I know that you're going to make a great fashion designer some day._ **

**_And Emily, you are one of the most driven people I have ever met. You don't let fear get in your way, and when you want something, you do what it takes to get it. Please make me proud and become a star in the Olympics, you were born to do it. And keep Hanna in check for me, okay? I wish all the luck in the world with Samara, and Hanna, I know you'll be happy with Lucas._ **

**_To my beloved,_ **

**_Spencer, baby, I know you must hate me right now. I know you're angry and hurt. I know you're confused and sad. But you have to keep going. Keep going for me. These last few years have been the best times of my life. Every kiss we shared felt like our first one. I always felt safe in your arms, protected like nothing could ever harm me. But not even you could save me from the guilt that was consuming my soul. I'm so sorry, baby. I know we talked about our future together. We wanted to be a family and raise a couple of kids. The All-American Dream, right? Sometimes, Spencer, life doesn't work out the way we want it to. And I'm sorry for doing this to you, but I just couldn't live with myself anymore. You are the best person in my life, and you will be long after I'm gone, in the afterlife, if you believe in that. So, please, don't weep for me. Think of the good times, think of all the memories we've shared, okay? And whenever you're feeling lonely, just touch the locket I gave you. If you have that locket, you'll never truly be without me._ **

**_I love you, Spencer. And I always will._ **

The letter slips out of Spencer's grasp and she can't remember how to breathe. She is numb, all the way from her head to her toes. She knows now, why Aria took her own life. Why Aria sat in the bathtub and let it overfill with water until she'd drowned.

And yet, it isn't enough of an answer. It's just not _enough._ Spencer had known that Aria had felt guilty for causing Mike's death, but it'd been ruled an accident. She didn't think that it would come to this.

Spencer stands up and walks zombie-like to her closet. She throws it open and mindlessly searches through many of Aria's dresses until she finds the perfect one. Grasping the material in her hand, Spencer strolls over to the letter and picks it up before making her way into the bathroom.

Inside, it's quiet and Spencer has this gnawing feeling in her gut. She feels a presence with her but when her tired, almost-lifeless eye sweep around the small bathroom, she realizes that no one is there. Spencer strips of her clothes and faces the mirror.

"Aria..." she whispers.

Spencer pulls on Aria's dress, a white sundress splattered with small rainbows, over her head, her image disappearing from view. Spencer stands, gazing at herself in Aria's dress. The dress is too small on her, but Spencer thinks she's never looked more beautiful.

She feels an odd pressure around her midsection.

_"You look stunning, my love." Aria's arms are wrapped around her waist and her glossy lips are stretched into a happy smile. "You've read it. You finally read it."_

"I-I had to," Spencer croaks.

_"Thank you."_

Someone slams a door out in the hall, momentarily snagging Spencer's attention. When she turns back, Aria is gone, as expected.

And Spencer can feel it. She can feel it in her bones, that this time, Aria isn't coming back. Spencer opens up the medicine cabinet, takes out a tube of lipstick and sprawls something over Aria's letter. She rests the lipstick tube and the letter on the sink before making her way over to the bathtub.

Spencer's limbs are shaking as she crawls in the bathtub and turns on both faucets, full blast. She immerses herself completely in the tub. The water is both hot and cold, numbing and relaxing. Through the water, she can see the tattoo on her right inner thigh. It is a black Chinese symbol for the word _**l** **ove.**_ Aria had a matching one on her left thigh. Spencer runs her fingers over it and shivers. She shuts her eyes and starts to sing.

_A tout le monde ( To all the world)_

_A tout mes amis (To all my friends)_

_Je vous aime (I love you)_

_Je dois partir (I must leave)_

The words are quiet coming out of Spencer's mouth. It had been a favorite song of hers and Aria's. The water is over her head now, and Spencer can't breathe. Her body is shutting down, her brain is slowing. It's painful, but Spencer has never felt more relaxed.

_These are the last words_

_I'll ever speak_

_And they'll set me free_

**Author's Note:**

> Please review! :D


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